The sun is shining in my window and yet I feel so grey. My mood is so cloudy. My spirits are craving a happy ending, a fun-loving movie where ever thing turns out hunky dorey. I guess I realize today why I like cheesy ridiculous movies that are predictable but still end nice and fluffy...why because FRANKLY sometimes LIFE SUCKS! Bad things happen. Really bad things. I'm not talking about superficial bad stuff but the stuff that makes grown men fall into a limp lump on the ground and sob. I'd rather enjoy life in my fairy tale world every once in a while. I wish the tragic stuff we see would only be a fairy tale.
Is it harder to see someone die? Or see their family mourn?
I guess the title of my blog no longer fits because the minute I started typing the tears started flowing. I was angry, surprised or maybe disappointed in myself for being numb. Horrible things happened last night, sad, terribly sad things yet I kept on working, as a matter of fact, I worked my butt off. I saw a huge amount of kids. I noticed my fuse was shorter but I worked. I didn't share in small talk. I just cranked out my work. But how could someone who is suppose to be so kind and compassionate just be NUMB? If you poll most who know me I would bet that they would say if Lisa saw what she saw she would be torn up. She would be devastated. Anyone who hears the story has an ache in their stomach and therefore Lisa too would be aching. As a matter of fact most people would say I couldn't do that line of work...I can't handle seeing that kind of stuff, I wouldn't want to...who would? Why can I? Why can I handle it? And do I handle it or do I ignore it? Do I suppress it? Do I just forget about the saddness and move on? Do I even care?
I am tired. I'm just going to sleep. Then maybe I'll watch 13 going on 30 and buy myself flowers.
1 comment:
Numbness is okay, as long as it doesn't stick around. I'm not a doctor, but I remember hearing that there is a mechanism in the body that shuts down our capacity to feel pain (somewhat) when there is too much for us to handle. I think it's the same with the mind, and I know its the same with the soul. That doesn't make you a bad doctor, it makes you human. Which, as you stated rightly, does suck sometimes. But you, Lisa, are one of the strongest people I know in many ways, but you are also vulnerable. That makes for a good doc, especially for kids. Love ya.
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